A New Kind of Weed!

There has been so much talked and so much written about how weeds are taking over our country, even with all of the new-fangled weed killers, that I have begun to look for weeds as I am out and about. In my newly acquired habit of looking about me as I go on my usual rounds, it has become obvious that there are, indeed, many, many weeds in my town. And, either some of these are new, or, are now present in such numbers as to command my attention for the first time.

One of these new kinds of weeds is so strange in appearance and in certain other characteristics that it caught my attention at once. It so ignited my curiosity that I have done some research into it, so I would be able the better to deal with it, if it should invade my property. I hope that my efforts and findings may even be of service to the reader.

Let me describe this weed to you. When I do, I am sure you will remember having seen examples of it in your area. The weed is amazing in terms of its size. It is always about three feet high. The 'flower' (as I shall call it) is always flat (about one-fiftieth of an inch thick, or less), and is quite large; I would estimate nearly two feet by three feet. The blossom is identical on the front and back, but the pattern is reversed, almost like a sign!

The stem is one of the striking characteristics of this weed. Actually, I should say the stems, since there are almost always two. These are of equal length and girth, and they extend up to the flower and, either completely surround the flower, or, at the very least, encompass both sides and the top, much like a full or three quarter picture frame.

The striking uniformity in the size, shape and height of this noxious weed, give it a decided man-made appearance. That it is not man-made will soon become evident to those who read further.

In the course of my careful investigation of this now-common infestation, I have taken the liberty of examining several individual plants closely. And, even though none of these was on my property, I took the liberty of uprooting several, so I could know what the root structure might he like. I was surprised.

The roots are not deep, nor are they complex. Actually, when I first discovered the roots, I was puzzled. All of the other species of weeds I have had occasion to examine as closely as I have this pest, have had rather deep and complex roots, or root systems.

Not this plant; it has but two stems, as I mentioned, and these typically extend into the ground but a few inches, again with great uniformity. That is to say, the two stems--I shall call them roots, once they are below ground level-are almost always exactly the same length. It is almost as if they were driven into the ground, instead of growing out of the ground. But, how could that be, I ask you? Ridiculous, of course.

There is one way in which these weeds do vary. That is with regard to color. My what a variety of colors can be found. White, red, blue, green, brown, gold, nearly every color of the rainbow can be seen, and in an abundance of shades. Unusual, I say, to find such a variety of colors in a plant which seems, at least to me, to be all of one species and which may in fact be a species with no close relatives in the plant kingdom. Moreover, the colors are mixed into interesting designs on the flower. Some of these designs have a decided language look about them. But, of course it is not language. I mean, I don't want to become preposterous here.

This lack of depth and complexity of the roots sometimes leads to a disastrous result, from the plant's point of view. To wit: The plant falls over during wet or windy times. The curious thing about their falling over is that the plant does not then seem to rot and return to the earth, even though the plant's roots are now out of the ground. Curious, no?

I inquired of botanists about these plants. At first to no avail. One even had the temerity to tell me that this odious, noxious weed was not a weed at all but a man-made object, a sign. Well, I took that opinion-so obviously wrong and short-sighted-to indicate that the botanist took me to be an uneducated fool. I struck the man verbally, first. When he persisted with his nonsense, I beat him soundly with my walking stick. He soon cooperated, I can tell you, and I went to a sensible botanist, one-I must say-to whom the subdued botanist referred me.

There I found out exactly what I wanted to know. Yes, you guessed it. I now know the scientific name for this weed. You see, I was right all along. It is a plant; and it is a weed. How could it have a scientific name, if it were a sign? It could not!

Just to be sure that I would encounter no more nonsense, I boldly went over to a neighbor's front yard and pulled the one member of the species which was disgracing his yard (curiously, these weeds seem almost always to be in front yards) and took it along with me. That way, I reasoned with scientific cunning, the botanist would know which weed I had in mind. There could be no arguing on his part. That other botanist-while I was beating him-admitted that he had said it was man-made because he did not know the weed, or its name. The very idea of such ignorance. And, he was a college professor, no less.

As soon as I walked in and put the weed on the table of the second botanist, his face lit up. "Ah," he said, in a most dignified and judicious tone. "What you have there, my good man, is "Domocilous forsalous."

I glowed and gloated, particularly since my unfortunate encounter with this man's colleague.

"Of course," he continued, "there are those who feel that a more appropriate name for this species should be vulgaris Americus domocilous forsalous, since it flourishes more in the United States than anywhere else in the world."

"I prefer the shorter, simpler term," he concluded with obvious satisfaction.

I thanked him and left after some small talk and other social niceties. What a pleasure it was to converse with such a knowledgeable, cooperative, and educated gentleman.

Since then, I have heard rumors to the effect that the government has taken a keen interest in this weed. Perhaps I can explain why. It seems the weed always springs up almost instantaneously. I, myself, have been aware of this. Often, I will drive down my street (to the store, or on a short errand), only to find that one of these weeds has grown up in a neighbor's yard while I was gone. That's right, just in the time it took me to run some short errand or other. Given the size of the plant and the simplicity of its root system, that is an extraordinary growth rate, is it not?

That's why the government is interested, according to the rumors. As I am sure you know, there is an energy shortage coming down the road. And, once the fossil fuels play out, new sources of energy will be needed. Are you beginning to get the picture?

Right! If the government can figure out how to use these plants to produce energy, the energy crisis can be averted! Isn't Mother Nature wonderful? Just when one convenient source of energy is used up, another is right there in the wings waiting to take over!