PHERRET FOR PRESIDENT

(A One Act Play)

THE CAST:

ROLF PHERRET, billionaire businessman, philanthropist, and patriot. A self-made Texan in every sense of the word. A can-do, will-do, does-do, kind of guy.

TIM LOOSE, a brilliant, though somewhat idealistic lawyer. Rolf's chief legal advisor and friend.

MERV MORGENSTERN, Pherret's right hand man.

LANNY KLING, a smooth-talking radio and TV personality. The number one talk show host in America.

Any similarity between the central characters in this play and actual people is purely, simply and totally coincidental.

CLEVELAND CALLER

DENVER CALLER

MODESTO CALLER

DALLAS CALLER

DETROIT CALLER

VIDALIA CALLER

Scene One

The scene opens in a corporate office. There are many mementos around the office and many paintings and photographs on the office walls. The office furniture is ornate, but functional. A smallish man sits behind a desk. Another man enters through an elaborate door. The coat of the man who enters is soaking wet. Both men obviously know each other quite well. Both are at ease, though the man who has just entered is somewhat deferential to the man behind the desk. The man behind the desk is eating a brown bag lunch and has a newspaper in his hand and is obviously upset about something he just read in the newspaper.

PHERRET: Come on in, Tim.

LOOSE: Thanks, Rolf.

PHERRET: You look worse than a drowned trout.

LOOSE: Yeah. It's raining out there about like an old cow peeing on a flat rock.

PHERRET: Hah! Hah! Hah! Now don't get obscene; you just got here.

LOOSE: If you think that's obscene, you should hear what I'm thinking.

PHERRET: No thanks. I'm a good Christian man, as you well know.

LOOSE: So you keep telling me.

(Loose has taken off his wet coat and made himself comfortable in chair in front of the desk. He pulls out a brown bag and begins to eat a meager lunch.)

PHERRET: I tell you, Tim, these politicians have it all wrong.

LOOSE: Uh, how's that, Rolf?

PHERRET: It says hear in this paper that the Bramble campaign has spent $11 million of the taxpayer's money, so far. The Clanton bunch has spent a little less.

LOOSE: Well, it takes a lot of money to run for president these days. Everybody knows that.

PHERRET: Nonsense! Sure they spend lots of money, but it doesn't have to cost the U. S. government to run for president. The candidates ought to pay the government for the privilege of running for president.

LOOSE: I don't follow you. Candidates and their campaigns have to buy TV, radio, and newspaper ads don't they?

PHERRET: Oh, sure. I ain't arguing with some of that spending. Still, it should pay, not cost. It's too expensive. Especially with these massive national deficits.

LOOSE: Look, Rolf, I know you look at it as a businessman would. What's your point?

PHERRET: The point is this. Running for president is an honor. Why not make each candidate pay for that honor?

LOOSE: You already said that. Fact is, the campaign reform act specifically set up the present system. To make the process more fair. To reduce the advantage of those who could raise the most dough.

PHERRET: That's my point. Any fool who comes forward and gets a certain amount of contributions and votes in the primaries gets some of that government money.

LOOSE: You got that right.

PHERRET: Just 'cause it's the law, doesn't make it right.

LOOSE: What would you do differently?

PHERRET: First, I'd cut way down on expenses by using all those free TV, radio, and newspaper resources.

LOOSE: Wait a minute, Rolf. Those media people are smarter than that. They won't give any candidates free time when they know they can charge them.

PHERRET: Wanna bet?

LOOSE: Bet? What's to bet?

PHERRET: I'll bet you those media people would fall all over each other to provide free time, if the candidates played their cards right.

LOOSE: I'd bet with you, if you had a way to provide proof, one way or the other.

PHERRET: How much?

LOOSE: How much what?

PHERRET: How much would you bet? A million dollars?

LOOSE: You know I don't have that kind of money, for betting or for anything else. Too much of my work has been for a niggardly skinflint of a Texas billionaire.

PHERRET: Hah! Hah! Hah! I just love it when you talk about me like that.

LOOSE: Yeah, I can see that.

PHERRET: Make it easy on yourself.

LOOSE: Make what easy? My charges for that case we are supposed to be talking about?

PHERRET: No. The bet. Make it an amount you can handle when you lose our bet. Which I can guarantee you will.

LOOSE: What odds will you give me?

PHERRET: Odds! Listen, boy, my daddy was a horse trader. I'm not just off the cotton wagon you know.

LOOSE: Even Las Vegas gamblers give odds for long-shots.

PHERRET: Then you give me the odds. You said it couldn't be done. Doesn't that make my side of the bet the long shot?

LOOSE: Not if you make the bet. Betting against you is always a long shot.

PHERRET: Hah! Hah! Hah! And don't you ever forget it, Tim!

LOOSE: It's too vague. Who am I betting on, or against?

PHERRET: Against me.

LOOSE: You? You aren't running for president.

PHERRET: I'll bet you that I could.

LOOSE: Your about the least political man I know; that is, in terms of what it takes to be a public politician.

PHERRET: You know that. I know that. The American people don't know that. Neither do the media people.

LOOSE: So?

PHERRET: Make the bet worth my while and I will run for president, or say I might under the right circumstances, and make a lot of money in the process.

LOOSE: I wouldn't bet against you even on something that far out.

PHERRET: Name the amount. It has got to be worth my while. I have a business to run, you know.

LOOSE: No offense, Rolf, but you have your company set up so it actually runs better when you are off trying to deliver food to the starving masses, or rescuing prisoners from evil empires.

PHERRET: That's both right and it's also the secret of good management. It's something 99% of the managers in the world don't understand. It's why I'm a billionaire, not a newspaper boy anymore.

LOOSE: Run it by me again. What's the bet and what will you do to win or lose the bet?

PHERRET: Simple. I'll announce that I might run for president. I'll get more free publicity than you can shake a stick at. And, I'll wind up with a campaign war chest full of megabucks.

LOOSE: Then what?

PHERRET: Then I bow out-gracefully and with a good excuse-and collect even more money from you.

LOOSE: How and when will you announce?

PHERRET: When? Soon. How? That's my secret, for now.

LOOSE: Where will the profit come from? Won't you have to hire a staff, set up headquarters, hire some experts.

PHERRET: Experts? Who needs those boobs? They're the ones I am going to make look like baboons.

LOOSE: What about staff, headquarters, banners, phones, computer lists, everything it takes to run a modern, major campaign. Remember, I did run for governor. I know something about campaign organizations and their expenses.

PHERRET: You didn't know enough. You lost. Remember?

LOOSE: Ouch! You are blunt at times, Rolf.

PHERRET: Losing wasn't your fault; too many experts ran your campaign.

LOOSE: Well, it was my first and only try. I had to have help.

PHERRET: Help? You call what those so-called experts did help?

LOOSE: They came with good credentials.

PHERRET: And they gave you an ugly campaign.

LOOSE: Ugly? How so?

PHERRET: It was uglier than a cartload of alligator gazoos raked up in the moonlight.

LOOSE: That's pretty ugly.

PHERRET: You said it. And, you lost.

LOOSE: It was a close race.

PHERRET: I lost more than my contributions to your cause on that race. We could have really done something good for the people of Texas.

LOOSE: Woulda, coulda, shoulda. Let's get back to now.

PHERRET: The campaign work that doesn't get done by volunteers, I pay for. But I still wind up with a megabuck profit.

LOOSE: What if it gets out of hand?

PHERRET: What do you mean?

LOOSE: What if you become a serious candidate in the publics' eyes? What if a lot of people believe you and believe in what you say you could do for them and for the country?

PHERRET: That's the real reason I would do it. It would be good for them and good for the country. I love this country, don't forget that.

LOOSE: Yeah, but what happens if you never actually run or when you drop out after starting to run for president?

PHERRET: I can handle that, too.

LOOSE: When do you find the time to think about such wild things? Aren't you busy enough just running a major company?

PHERRET: Child's play. Like you said, the company runs better when I am out of the office.

LOOSE: It sounds like you have been thinking about this for a long time.

PHERRET: Only twenty years, or so. Come on, what's your bet?

LOOSE: I'm twenty years behind with the thinking and you want me to bet against you?

PHERRET: That's right. I told you my daddy was a horse trader.

LOOSE: Maybe its in your genes.

PHERRET: Genes? Maybe. It's more like my Daddy taught me everything I need to know about gambling, politics, people, and business. He was the greatest psychologist I have ever known.

LOOSE: From what I have heard you say about psychologists, that isn't saying much.

PHERRET: I mean a real psychologist. A man who understood people, life, the way the world really works. Not those headshrinkers.

LOOSE: Oh.

PHERRET: I had the greatest gift a person can have: The best parents in the world.

LOOSE: So you have said. Now you have upped the odds against me.

PHERRET: How's that?

LOOSE: I'd be betting against you, your father and your mother.

PHERRET: Hah! Hah! You always have been and always will be. My parents may be gone, but they are with me every minute of every day, in every thing I think and do. Always have been.

LOOSE: Even on your honeymoon?

PHERRET: Don't get flippant.

LOOSE: Sorry.

PHERRET: It's okay. I don't hold grudges.

LOOSE: Can I work up a money pool?

PHERRET: Money pool?

LOOSE: For the bet. Get some friends with real dough?

PHERRET: Absolutely not! This is just between you and me. No one, I mean no one, must ever know. It would ruin both of us. Especially me. Then, I would haunt you the rest of my life.

LOOSE: I see your point.

PHERRET: You'd better.

LOOSE: $10,000.

PHERRET: Pooh! Chicken feed.

LOOSE: Give me some odds.

PHERRET: I deserve the odds. I'm supplying the brains here, some up-front money and the time.

LOOSE: Take it or leave it. It's all I can afford.

PHERRET: No it isn't. I'll hire you on my campaign staff at a good salary. If I lose the bet, you get the salary. Otherwise, I get the salary I would have paid you.

LOOSE: How much?

PHERRET: Ten grand a month.

LOOSE: How many months?

PHERRET: Guaranteed six months. That's seventy thousand.

LOOSE: Six times ten is sixty.

PHERRET: Plus the ten you already mentioned.

LOOSE: You never let up, do you?

PHERRET: How about part of your fees for that other matter we were going to discuss today?

LOOSE: No way. I have rent to pay, staff salaries, expenses. I'm no billionaire.

PHERRET: Just asking. A horse trader always does.

LOOSE: What do you consider megabucks?

PHERRET: More than a million.

LOOSE: Shake.

PHERRET: Shake!

LOOSE: Who keeps the stakes?

PHERRET: (He reaches in his desk and pulls out an envelope.) Put your check in this envelope. Write up a simple, legally binding explanation.

LOOSE: Okay. (He takes a legal pad out of brief case, knits his brow for a few seconds, writes rapidly for a couple of minutes, signs the document, and hands it to Pherret.) Done!

PHERRET: (After reading the document.) Looks good to me. (He leans over and presses a small buzzer as he signs the document.) Merv, can you come in my office for a few minutes?

(Loose writes out a check and hands it to Pherret, who puts it in the envelope with the document. Pherret seals the envelope and writes something on it.)

(The office door opens and a well-dressed man enters. Loose gets up, greets him and shakes his hand.)

PHERRET: Merv, please put this envelope in the private safe. As you can see, it is marked confidential. No one but Tim and I are ever to see its contents.

MERV: Okay. Anything else?

PHERRET: How are things going with the business?

MERV: Fine. Revenues are up. So are future contracts. Looks really good, given the fact that the whole country is in a recession.

PHERRET: Any reason why I shouldn't take a lot of time off for the next six months, or so?

MERV: None that I can think of, provided you will be available by phone and FAX.

PHERRET: Those are givens.

MERV: I thought they would be.

PHERRET: How many people could we spare from the company without falling behind with our commitments?

MERV: What sort of skills would they have to have?

PHERRET: Computers, communication, PR.

MERV: Not sure we have any pure PR-types. You're our only PR person in this corporation.

PHERRET: I like it that way.

MERV: Rolf, are you thinking about a team?

PHERRET: Yeah, a team.

MERV: The company could spare15 to 20. Twenty-five at the outside.

PHERRET: Give me a list with a paragraph vita on each member you are suggesting for the team. Stress what special skills each would contribute.

MERV: Right away.

PHERRET: I also need a list of names and phone numbers of all of the key radio and TV talk show hosts, the major network news anchor people, the morning show hosts, and the major newspaper and magazine editors, political writers, etc., around the nation.

MERV: Give me a little more to go on, so I can list exactly the right people.

PHERRET: Make it the sort of list that I would need if I wanted to go on TV a lot-I mean a lot-and where I would want to be in the public spotlight as much as possible, for free!

MERV: That helps some. I'll get the secretaries right on it.

PHERRET: Don't delegate any more than you have to. I don't want a lot of idle office speculation.

MERV: I'll keep it narrow and keep a lid on it.

PHERRET: That's all I want to say for now, except that I would like for you to set up your schedule so you could spend several hours a week in conference with me and Tim. We will meet at odd hours and on short notice.

MERV: I can delegate some of my duties so that will be possible. Actually, I can use this as an opportunity to give some of my key people some on-the-job training that I have been planning to give them anyhow, just like you used to do with me.

PHERRET: I thought you might. Good thinking. It always helps to have several other people know your job. (He turns to Tim.) It's part of the reason this place runs better when I am away.

LOOSE: I never doubted it.

PHERRET: One more thing, Merv, I need summaries on a lot of that hard information on the presidential campaign that Suzy has been gathering for me. Stuff like poll results, positives and negatives on the candidates and the issues. Suzy has the stuff indexed. Just the most recent, for now.

MERV: She already has that material summarized.

PHERRET: Who asked her to put it together?

MERV: I did. I figured you might be using it for your appearance on Lanny Kling's show next week. The recession and other economic data are there, too. I'll have her send it in.

PHERRET: Have you had her do anything else?

MERV: Just some odds-and-ends on voter feelings; things like that. I had your graphics department prepare a few charts.

PHERRET: Good! I like charts. What are the voters thinking and feeling?

MERV: The majority of voters are mad. Negatives on Bramble are sky high. People haven't taken to Clanton, yet. The majority of people hate Congress, the recession and the gridlock in Washington.

PHERRET: I know all that, but I need facts.

LOOSE: The voter turnout in the primaries has been lower than whale manure, and we all know where that is.

PHERRET: Hah! Hah! Hah! That's too risqué for me to use, but I like it.

MERV: I'll go get the summaries from Suzy.

PHERRET: Good. Can you have lunch with Tim and me tomorrow?

MERV: I'll check my calendar. I think so.

PHERRET: It's important and urgent. No brown bag. I'll pay.

MERV: It must be important, if you are going to pay.

(Merv turns and exits.)

LOOSE: I'd say he is on to you, already.

PHERRET: He always is. He usually knows what I am thinking before I do. It's why we get along.

LOOSE: I thought it would be the one reason you two would not get along.

PHERRET: It would be with anyone else, except maybe my wife, Marva.

LOOSE: Understand that I am not doing this for the money, which I intend to win. I happen to think that-if you can pull it off-it will be good for the country, good for the people, good for politics, and good for the presidential race.

PHERRET: I think so too. But, the money I get will make it even better.

LOOSE: It's only $70,000.

PHERRET: Plus the megabucks. Don't forget the megabucks.

LOOSE: Ah, yes. I almost had.

(The lights fade.)

Scene Two

The action takes place in a typical TV studio. There are two chairs and a counter. Lanny Kling sits in one chair, Pherret in the second. The two are more-or-less facing each other across the counter. Both men have clip-on mikes and ear phones.

KLING: Good evening, America. Our guest on the Lanny Kling show tonight is Rolf Pherret, one of the best known figures in America.

(Pherret nods toward the camera and smiles.)

KLING: Mister Pherret became a billionaire before he was 40 years old. Now, in his mature years, his business acumen is sought and valued across the economic spectrum. The phone lines will be open later in the show.

KLING: How do you feel about America, Mr. Pherret?

PHERRET: (Looking right into the camera.) It's a mess. Our manufacturing sector is losing jobs. Unemployment is up. Savings for reinvestment are down. People are worried.

KLING: Anything else?

PHERRET: Neither of the major candidates for president has either the ear or the trust of the American people.

KLING: Why is that?

PHERRET: President Gregory Bramble has been in a political gridlock with the Democratic Congress. The people know that the Congress is more interested in getting re-elected than in solving the nation's problems.

KLING: What about Clanton?

PHERRET: So far, he has been too busy trying to deal with the sleaze that the Republican's are throwing at him to define either his leadership abilities or his program.

KLING: What's needed?

PHERRET: The next president, whoever that is, needs to put forth a program that is designed to create jobs, to get rid of deficit spending rather quickly and to begin to rebuild the nation's public and private infrastructure.

KLING: What infrastructure?

PHERRET: Highways, bridges, public buildings. Those sorts of things.

KLING: Why hasn't all of this been done?

PHERRET: Two reasons. One, the process we go through in this country to pick our president has nothing to do with electing someone who can do the job. The campaigns center on sound bites and images, not on substance.

KLING: What's the second reason?

PHERRET: Campaign funding is up-side-down. The special interests pour megabucks into the campaigns. The politicians forget who they are really working for.

KLING: Meaning what?

PHERRET: Meaning that politicians at all levels are more interested in talk than they are in action. Even when legislation is passed, it is too little, too late or special-interest oriented.

KLING: Isn't that the way it has always been?

PHERRET: Somewhat. But, it has gotten worse over the past twelve years. And, the problems are growing fast.

KLING: It sounds like you have given some thought to the solutions.

PHERRET: I have. For more than 20 years I have been frustrated, wondering why more was not being done, why we have spent so much and why we have gotten so little in return.

KLING: What are your answers?

PHERRET: It's this simple. The people need to get back into the political equation. They need to vote in greater numbers. They need to let the politicians know that the special interest party is over.

KLING: What else?

PHERRET: The campaigns should be more substantive. No more sound bites. The issues need to be debated, not in political back rooms and not only in the halls of Congress, but in public. We need electronic town meetings.

KLING: Like this program?

PHERRET: That too, but more. We need several face-to-face debates between the major candidates. I mean real debates, not these staged farces.

KLING: You were a debater when you were in school weren't you?

PHERRET: Yes I was and believe me, Lanny, I know the difference between what should be happening and what is happening in those so-called debates.

KLING: If you were running for President, what would you do differently?

PHERRET: Heaven forbid! But, if I were, I would come before the people often and for as long as necessary to get my message out and to get feedback from the people.

KLING: The candidates watch the polls carefully. Doesn't that keep them in touch with what the people are thinking?

PHERRET: Not on your life. I don't believe in the polls. The people are not given enough exposure to the candidates or the issues to make good judgments, polls or no polls.

KLING: People watch TV. They watch this program. They call in and ask questions.

PHERRET: This is a good program. There are not many like it though. Most of your callers get time for a comment or a quick question. Where is the depth? The follow up? Certainly not on the evening news.

KLING: Sounds like you are quarterbacking from the stands. Why aren't you doing something?

PHERRET: Well, I am on your show.

KLING: I mean why aren't you putting your ideas before the people. Why aren't you running for president in the primaries?

PHERRET: Fat chance. Neither party would have me. I'm too unconventional.

KLING: Couldn't you start your own political party? After all, you are a billionaire. Can't billionaires do what no one else can?

PHERRET: I am only one person. It would take millions of people. People who are fed up. People who would leave the parties and who have already left the parties. Independents. Grassroots.

KLING: Let me get this straight. If the people wanted you, you would run for president?

PHERRET: Don't give it a thought, Lanny; it would never happen. I am too plain-spoken, too blunt, too honest.

KLING: Sounds like you don't have much faith in the people?

PHERRET: To the contrary, I have great faith in the people. It is the people who made this country great, and who can make it great again, if they get back into politics.

KLING: We are going to come back in one minute and the phone lines will be open.

(The lights fade out briefly and then back up.)

KLING: Go ahead Cleveland, you are on the Lanny Kling show and all America is listening.

(From a loudspeaker near the men.)

CLEVELAND CALLER: Mr. Pherret, why don't you run for president, if you are so smart and have the answers?

PHERRET: I am no smarter than anyone else. Every informed person out there can see the problems. Together we can fashion the wisdom to put the answers in place.

CLEVELAND CALLER: What about running for president?

PHERRET: It can't be done. Unless volunteers put my name on the ballot in all 50 states, I couldn't win. I am an independent.

KLING: Denver? (Pause) Denver are you there? Speak up.

DENVER CALLER: Of course we know what needs to be done, just like Mr. Pherret says. That is not the problem.

KLING: Come on, Denver, what's your question?

DENVER CALLER: No question, just a comment. Ever politician promises the voters the world until they get in office. Then, they do whatever they bleep, bleep want to.

KLING: He's right, isn't he Rolf?

PHERRRET: Of course he's right. That's one of the things that is wrong. Too many of these people lie to the voters, election after election, and still get re-elected.

KLING: How would you be different?

PHERRET: First, I'd do what I promised. Or try to. Second, I'd point out who followed through with me and who didn't. That'd clean out the barn.

KLING: Go ahead Modesto.

MODESTO CALLER: Yes, Lanny, I have a question for Mr. Pherret.

KLING: Well, ask it. That's why he is sitting here.

MODESTO CALLER: I'm totally fed up with Bramble and Clanton. As far as I am concerned I would vote "No" if the election were held today. Congress is even worse.

KLING: What is your question?

MODESTO CALLER: What makes Mr. Pherret think he could do what President Bramble and the Congress have not done, especially as an independent?

KLING: Fair question. Mr. Pherret?

PHERRET: Two things. One, if I ran for president, it would be with my own money, plus $10 from everyone who was willing to support me. I would not owe my election to the big money, to the special interests.

KLING: What else?

PHERRET: Two, I would take the problems to the people. That is where the wisdom is; that is where the solutions can be worked out.

KLING: Is that all?

PHERRET: No. I would bring in the best people, the very best. Not just from one party. I would have the strongest cabinet in history.

KLING: What makes you think they would serve you?

PHERRET: They would not be serving me. They would be working with me in service to the people.

KLING: Detroit, you are on the Lanny Kling show. Go ahead.

DETROIT CALLER: That Pherret couldn't get along with the Gargantua Motors bigwigs, what makes him think he could work with those snots in Washington?

KLING: The caller is right. You and the Gargantua brass had serious differences.

PHERRET: We sure did and I am proud of it. I wanted to streamline. To cut costs. Couldn't get them to do diddly-squat.

KLING: Let's get back to the rest of your approach to the Presidency. What more would you do?

PHERRET: Once we had several plans to solve this Nation's problems, we would hold a national town meeting. The electronics are there to do that. Selection of the best plan to solve each problem would come out of the town meetings.

KLING: Let me summarize. You would run for president, if the people put your name on the ballot in all 50 states.

PHERRET: Well, I haven't given it a minute of thought and I haven't asked my wife, Marva, or our children. But, yes, I might. Still, it won't happen, Lanny, you know that; everybody in America knows that.

KLING: All the polls show that a majority of the people are fed up with the incumbent president and with the Congress. There is a throw-the-rascals-out mood all across the country. Dallas, you are on the air.

DALLAS CALLER: We know quite a bit about Mr. Pherret down here in Texas.

KLING: So, what's your question?

DALLAS CALLER: He and his wife have done a lot of good things. Given to charity. Self-less things.

KLING: Did you say "selfish" things.

DALLAS CALLER: No way! I said "self-less." Good things. The Pherrets are solid Texas citizens.

KLING: Sounds like you have a vote there, Mr. Pherret.

PHERRET: Whoever that was, I 'ppreciate it. My wife, Marva, is very active in worthy organizations. So are my kids. We owe this country everything that we have. We try to give some of it back.

KLING: The caller is from Vidalia. Go ahead Vidalia.

VIDALIA CALLER: I think Rolf Pherret would make a great president. I mean, he just would. I'll start work tomorrow, if he will run.

KLING: Mr. Pherret, it looks like we have something going here. How can the folks who want you to run reach you, other than calling in here?

PHERRET: Your director is showing my Dallas phone number and address on the TV screen now. But, it will never happen. Never has; never will.

KLING: Haven't there been serious third-party candidates in the past?

PHERRET: Sure. George Wallace, John Anderson and Theodore Roosevelt, just to name three. They didn't do well at election time.

KLING: My people tell me that we have never had as much phone activity as we are having tonight. People are swamping the facilities and expressing support. What do you think about that?

PHERRET: I think there is a lot of anger, frustration, and disappointment out there. I think people want a real campaign, a campaign that is based the vital issues.

KLING: Could you give them that kind of campaign?

PHERRET: Only if I were on the ballot in all 50 states and in on the debates.

KLING: There you have it America. It is up to you. The ball is in your court. You have Mr. Pherret's phone number and his address. Thank you Mr. Pherret. Thanks to our call-in viewers. Sorry we could not get everyone on the program who tried to call in. Tomorrow night ....

(The lights fade out and so does Lanny Kling's voice.)

Scene III

(Back in Pherret's Dallas office. Pherret is sitting at his desk when Merv Morgenstern hurries in.)

MERV: Rolf, all hell has broken loose. We can't get out on our phones for anything. We have phone system gridlock. It's been like that ever since last night when they gave out the number on Kling's program.

PHERRET: Well, get the phone company people down here. Spare no expense. Set up the biggest network in the world if you have to. Put as many people on it as it takes. I think we are on to something.

MERV: I'll send someone right away, since we can't phone out.

PHERRET: Better get set for a deluge of mail, too.

MERV: I'll get right on it. I'll have to hire a bunch of new people.

PHERRET: Whatever it takes.

(Merv leaves the office.)

(Pherret picks up the phone and tries to call out. No luck. He smiles and pushes a button.)

PHERRET: Please send someone over to Tim Loose's office. I need to see him, now. (Pause.) Oh, he's already here. Send him in.

(Tim Loose quickly enters.)

PHERRET: How'd you get so wet again? You look like a drowned chicken this time.

LOOSE: It's raining again, just like an old cow peeing on a flat rock.

PHERRET: Hah! Hah! Hah! Still being nasty, I see. Take off that wet coat.

(Loose complies.)

LOOSE: Now you've started it. It's phenomenal. Unprecedented. I just talked to Merv for a second.

PHERRET: Of course. I said it would be. Just you watch. I have that little bet of ours in the bag.

LOOSE: Don't be so sure. Calls aren't money. What now?

PHERRET: Now I answer all of the calls from other talk shows and from the news organizations. I get on TV every day in every constructive way. The newspapers and magazines will swamp me for stories.

LOOSE: Will that do it?

PHERRET: No. Next, I start barnstorming the country. People start organizing and spending their own money on all the campaign trimmings. I collect $10 from every one who will back me. Pretty soon, I have megabucks in the bank and collect $70,000 from you.

LOOSE: Then what?

PHERRET: We'll have to see. Rolf Jr., the other kids and Marva think I can help turn the country around. So do I.

LOOSE: If it snowballs, how to do get out of it?

PHERRET: Don't worry, it will snowball. I guarantee you that.

LOOSE: Then aren't you stuck? Won't you have to go all the way?

PHERRET: I get the campaign squarely on the issues, the real issues, not the nonsense Bramble and Clanton are mincing around with.

LOOSE: And then what?

PHERRET: Then, I back out.

LOOSE: Won't your conscience bother you?

PHERRET: Well, after I have mucked out the political barn and a bunch of politicians with the muck, that will keep my conscience clear. I will have made a substantial contribution to my country.

LOOSE: I don't think you have thought this through carefully enough, Rolf.

PHERRET: Just 'cause I won't say, doesn't mean I don't know.

LOOSE: If it snowballs the way you promise it will, I don't see how you can get out of it.

PHERRET: I'll think of a graceful way out; I always do. No one in his right mind would want to be President, especially not when he would have to work with that bunch of ninnies in the Congress and with the Washington bureaucracy.

Scene four

Several weeks have passed. The action takes place in Pherret's office.

(Pherret is sitting quietly at his desk. He is munching on a sandwich from a brown bag. Tim Loose enters.)

PHERRET: Come on in Tim.

LOOSE: I got here as soon as I could. What's up?

PHERRET: I have just been reviewing the latest poll results.

LOOSE: Yeah! I went over them, too. You are neck and neck with Bramble and Clanton isn't all that far ahead.

PHERRET: I know, I know. It's time for me to step out.

LOOSE: Step out! You must be out of your mind. How can you even think about bowing out now?

PHERRET: 'Cause I always said I would.

LOOSE: That was before all of these great things happened.

PHERRET: Well, I did what I said I would. I made the run. Even though we have spent millions, there is still well over a million in our campaign chest.

LOOSE: What about all the volunteers? All those people who have given money? All those who say they will work for you and vote for you?

PHERRET: They'll get over it. Bramble needs my votes. If he doesn't get them Clanton gets in. What a disaster that would be.

LOOSE: Rolf, you could still win. I believe it. So do you.

PHERRET: Never said I couldn't.

LOOSE: That's it! You are scared. You are worried that you might win and have to make good on all of the things you have said.

PHERRET: What, me worry?

LOOSE: You are chickening out.

PHERRET: I'm doing just what I said I would. What's so chicken about that?

LOOSE: All those millions of people will feel let down. Double-crossed.

PHERRET: Double-crossed! Be careful what you say. You and me had a deal, a bet. I have fulfilled my part of that bet. It's time for you to pay up and for me get out.

LOOSE: What about my campaign salary. That's part of our deal. It hasn't been six months yet.

PHERRET: It'll take time to close everything down after I step down. You'll get your salary and I will get my $70,000, plus the million and a half, of course.

(Loose is both mad and disgusted.)

LOOSE: I never thought you would go this far-have this much success-and then dump it all.

PHERRET: It was only a bet.

LOOSE: What will you say to all those people? To all America, for that matter?

PHERRET: I have scheduled a news conference.

LOOSE: When?

PHERRET: In about an hour.

LOOSE: What are you going to tell all of those loyal, believing people who have worked their buns off for you.

PHERRET: I'll tell everyone the same thing. My daughter is getting married. I have received secret information that someone is going to disrupt the ceremony. I won't put my daughter through that.

LOOSE: Secret information? From whom?

PHERRET: That's part of the secret.

LOOSE: That's too thin, Rolf. No one will believe that; they will think it is a cock-and-bull story.

PHERRET: It's the truth.

LOOSE: Truth doesn't always count. Who knows that better than you?

PHERRET: My family means more to me than anything. My daughter's wedding day is the most important day of her life. Her happiness means more to me than anything, including being president.

LOOSE: We could get guards. We could handle it. The Secret Service would keep it from happening.

PHERRET: Maybe the Secret Service would be in on it.

LOOSE: No way. The other candidates aren't that brave, either of them. They wouldn't risk anything that stupid. You're just being a paranoid Pherret, like the media guy said.

PHERRET: I think they are. Look what Nixon did. Look what Clanton probably did while he was governor.

LOOSE: I won't be a part of it. I am calling my own press conference and quitting the campaign.

PHERRET: What about our bet? That's a matter of honor.

LOOSE: Honor! You talk about honor. What about you? Quitting when you are doing the country a great service. Bowing out, just 'cause you might win.

PHERRET: (Really angry.) I told you, that's not it. It's my daughter's wedding. That's that.

LOOSE: I'll pay you out of my own pocket. I'll not be a part of your quitting.

PHERRET: I don't care where the money comes from. Just pay up.

LOOSE: You will regret quitting all the days of your life.

PHERRET: That's my worry.

LOOSE: You may not believe it, but you are hooked on all of the interest . . . on being the center of attention. You are hooked!

PHERRET: Hooked? You got to be kidding. Who wants all of that traveling and handshaking and stuff like that? And those terrible meals.

LOOSE: You do. That's who. You love it. You bask in it. It feeds your ego almost as much as having all those billions does.

PHERRET: I think you have said enough. You better leave. I have to get ready for the news conference.

LOOSE: Good-bye, Rolf. I never thought we would end this way.

PHERRET: Neither did I. A bet's a bet.

LOOSE: (Heading for the door. At the door he turns.) Remember what I said, Rolf. You'll miss the adulation, the hype and the ego massaging. Good-bye.

(Tim exits.)

PHERRET: That's what he thinks. I always know what I am doing. Always have. Always will.

THE END