A VISIT TO THE EYE DOCTOR

(A Five-minute Play)

A handsome, virile young man, named Harold, is ushered in to see the eye doctor. It is his first visit. He barely has time to sit in the examination chair before the doctor walks in. The eye doctor is a young, attractive woman, Gloria, by name.

GLORIA: Hello and welcome. My name is Gloria; may I call you Harold?

HAROLD: Er, hello. I guess so.

GLORIA: Good. Now that we are on a first-name basis, take off your clothes so I can examine you.

HAROLD: What!!!

GLORIA: Sure. That way I can eye you while I'm examining your eyes.

HAROLD: I think I had better be going!

GLORIA: Sit down, Harold, I was just kidding. I find that a little humor is good psychology. Being a good eye doctor is 88.334 percent psychology and 7.666 percent knowledge about eyes.

HAROLD: You can't be that precise. Besides, that leaves four percent.

GLORIA: I know. The four percent is damfiknow.

HAROLD: Damfiknow? What is that?.

GLORIA: Damned if I know.

HAROLD: Are you sure you are the doctor?

GLORIA: Yes, I'm sure. Are you patient-er, the patient.

HAROLD: This is the strangest eye examination I have ever had.

GLORIA: You only live once; I believe in mixing fun in with my work.

HAROLD: Embarrassing patients on their first visit is fun?

GLORIA: Sure. It breaks the ice, gets things going, provides a basis for a deeper, lasting relationships. All those good things.

HAROLD: I doubt it.

GLORIA: It's your pheromones; they're firing up my hormones.

HAROLD: Pheromones?

GLORIA: Yea. You know, those chemicals that female moths release so the male moths can fly miles to find them. Bang, bang. Baby moths.

HAROLD: Well, I never.

GLORIA: Never? You sure? How old are you?

HAROLD: I mean I never heard of pheromones.

GLORIA: Darn. I thought I had a virgin here.

HAROLD: Who said anything about virginity? I was talking about pheromones.

GLORIA: Just 'cause you haven't heard about them doesn't mean that they don't exist. They do. It's a well-known scientific fact.

HAROLD: Well, maybe for moths. I never heard that humans emit them.

GLORIA: You seem pretty inhibited.

HAROLD: I was raised to be morally responsible; weren't you?

GLORIA: Yea. But historically, when morals meet pheromones and hormones, the pheromones and hormones win 94.474 percent of the time.

HAROLD: There you go again. Where did you get a percentage that precise?

GLORIA: I just made it up. Maybe it's 95%; 94.474 sounds better, more scientific, more exact.

HAROLD: Sounded phony to me. I know something about statistics.

GLORIA: Good! Then you know that morals almost always lose to pheromones and hormones.

HAROLD: I don't know any such thing. I know a lot of moral people.

GLORIA: Name two.

HAROLD: My mother and father.

GLORIA: Hah! You're here. That means they had sex.

HAROLD: They were married several years before I was born. They were Quakers and so am I.

GLORIA: So was Nixon.

HAROLD: He was a hypocrite. My beliefs are sincere.

GLORIA: Ah! We're getting some place. If I want to have sex with you, all I have to do is marry you.

HAROLD: I don't even know you.

GLORIA: Know of a better way to get acquainted?

HAROLD: I believe in long engagements.

GLORIA: So do I. You've been here nearly five minutes.

HAROLD: Do you come on like this to all men?

GLORIA: No. Just you. It's your pheromones and my hormones. Doesn't this happen between you and women all the time?

HAROLD: No! I'm leaving.

GLORIA: Maybe it's the spices from that Mexican lunch I had.

HAROLD: I'd stay away from that restaurant, if I were you.

GLORIA: Don't forget to call me for our date.

HAROLD: Date?

GLORIA: Sure. How else can we have that long engagement before we get married and get in bed together?

HAROLD: Actually, don't ask me why, but I'll think about it.

GLORIA: Don't take too long. Sure you don't want your eyes examined?

THE END